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"why now?!"

Updated: Aug 19, 2021

10 months after my son’s motorbike accident I still have sudden flashes of overwhelming emotion. (I want to say at this point that it all worked out ok, really) They come, seemingly out of nowhere, triggered by something innocuous, benign. It’s often, though not always, a ‘helpless mummy’ feeling, and I feel like I’m back by his hospital bed, I can’t fix things for my son, I can’t make it all better; I have to trust that the medics know what to do and have his best interest at heart. The feelings are huge, the helplessness feels vast.

Recognising these feelings and allowing them is important. I could bat them away again, as I did at the time but that will not release them. So I allow myself to FEEL the feeling and I often, though not always, tap after a moment or three. Realisation comes that I struggled to allow myself to be emotionally comforted at the time. I focussed solely on the intellectual, the rational, the physicality of the situation, of being what little help I could be, particularly not getting in the way. Emotions were discarded, pushed away; at this point in time they would not help anyone. Emotions were almost inconvenient!

In the period since the accident, I have wondered how often do we do this? Particularly in times of trauma, stress or discomfort? I work in this field; helping others heal their emotional sides allowing their energy, their life force to flow freely again, and yet even I couldn’t be fully present every moment in time. I remember that I recognised that I had feelings and I allowed some to flow naturally (though as I look back, this was only while alone and my son was dozing/sleeping), I also ignored others.

At the time it was what I needed to do to get on, to remain focussed on the priorities, to be able to take on all the information that was being passed to me, to be there for my son. It’s just what we do isn’t it?! Why would this be a problem you may wonder? Unfortunately emotions that are not felt hang around in the body waiting to be felt and often, if denied, become the building blocks to disease (which in my world of work we refer to as dis-ease within the body).

So, back to the present, now that I do have the time and space both emotionally and mentally to allow the true feelings to be processed I treat them differently. Although I have tapped (doing EFT and Matrix Reimprinting with a fellow practitioner) through aspects about that time, I couldn’t clear it all by will. Sometimes you have to wait until the time is right for it to show itself. You can’t force nature! And today, apparently the time was right as I was putting the ingredients together for my morning smoothie! Many a time I have found myself to be tearful in relaxation at the end of a yoga class; it’s not always convenient. But even when it isn’t, I DO allow myself to feel it; I imagine holding myself gently and I allow myself to just be, just for now, just for this moment. Then it passes and I put my shoes on and carry on.

This morning held more space for a bigger acceptance. Being alone in the home, I allowed those big fat tears of helplessness to just fall; no delicate movie tears here!! They spasm from my core and I see the moment in my mind when this little block set in- I couldn’t help my baby, to be clear he is an adult, but to me he’s my baby and both of us are powerless to change anything. I re-feel that helplessness, that feeling of being incapable and unknowing.

So I tap while I cry, tap while I try to vocalise how I feel- just to myself, tap while I give myself space to express, I just keep tapping and crying, feeling those feelings. Then I imagine explaining to my helpless self, my trauma’d self that it really would be ok, I show her the specific outcomes that reassure and comfort her. I also remind myself that if I had been able to fix this, to make it all better, then he wouldn’t actually be in Neuro Critical Care; he wouldn’t need all the scans and drugs and all the care that the doctors and nurses were giving him, they would be with someone else. The powerlessness transforms into immense gratitude to those doctors and nurses, and the helpless mummy feeling becomes a grateful mummy; what an amazing job the NHS staff do, he’s in good hands etc!

This was just one moment in time, of that time. But while this may sound long winded the actual process took 3-4 minutes. Emotions when truly acknowledged and felt move on swiftly, transforming themselves.

Why did I choose today to share this with you? I’m not sure, apart from the need to express this outwardly to others; knowing that I cannot be the only one who feels this way! And part of it is that I had a conversation with a dear friend and we realised that we so frequently hide how we feel. We hide our vulnerability. We shelter others from our uncomfortable feelings but by doing that we separate ourselves, perhaps with the idea that if others know this about us then they may find/think we are ‘less than’. When really this is so untrue; when someone shares their pain, we become more present for them, we grow our compassion for them, we realise that we all have emotional pain under the surface, whether old pain or new pain. I feel we grow more deeply within ourselves by being more honest about this with ourselves and other trusted people. Also, please know that it is ok to feel what you feel; they are your emotions after all.

So, if you feel old emotions pop up, allow them their air time, hide yourself away in the loo if that’s better for you, but please allow them. If you can share them with a trusted person, please do, and please allow yourself to be supported. If you feel that you want help to clear them, then my listening ears with a big bag of helpful tools is here waiting for you.

Wishing you a beautiful day!



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