I’m being shown my own feelings of lack of self worth again at the moment; it is a place along my spiralling journey that I meet at various times. And I’m meeting it again!
When I have met it before I have not noticed quite so clearly that this is what it is.
What I mean by that is that I have lived those feelings and not entirely understood that they were just a message, a call to heal.
Instead, it was something I felt and believed was true and so I lived my life by it; hiding away, feeling ashamed of myself in some way, stepping away from self care and into self loathing in varying degrees, and waiting for the feelings to abate enough for me to feel I was able to step back into my life more fully.
Later, as I became more aware that these feelings were there and the behaviours associated with those feelings were also present, I’d to do a bit of tapping on them, and try to understand where they came from this time and then get on with my life and wait for it to pass. Interestingly I always found it hard to ask for help from others at this point....actually, as I write that sentence it makes perfect sense that I wouldn’t ask for help at this time; feeling worthless is an unempowered state, to ask for help would be to accept that I have at least some power in my life which would then shine a light onto the fallacy of worthlessness. (So please note that important truth- to reach out and ask for help is a way to start to build your self worth).
Anyway, this time it doesn’t feel like all the other times.
As uncomfortable as it is and as sad and depleted as it makes me feel, I also see a huge gift to transform it. It’s an offering from my truest self to see what this really is. It’s like this unworthiness is being presented to me- it is outside of me. And I move between feeling it/merging with it and then stepping out and observing it. When I observe it I know that it is not real, that it is just another aspect of my thoughts and feelings that I have taken on as my own, yet is not true. But when 'in it' and I’m feeling it, I’m slowed down by it and tired out by it, saddened by it and also a little sick of visiting this space AGAIN!
So today I am inviting myself to observe, to notice, to recognise how it changes my feelings, my thoughts and my energy, rather than to immerse myself in the feelings. Perhaps then I can start to believe that this lack of self worth is not a truth but rather just a story that I have become so completely familiar with that I’ve forgotten it’s not a story.
Perhaps you could do the same?
with love
Claire
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